still here

I still have a home. Some days I feel kind of homeless because with the number of people interested in seeing the place, we’re spending an awful lot of time in the car, being out of the way for the showings. Each showing is preceded by manic vacuuming, straightening, and packing up the protesting cat which cannot be left at home.

Quiz for my kids:

Essay

1) Explain why the dollar store mouse-traps you bought to build mouse-trap cars with, cannot be left lying around during a showing.

2) Explain what ‘staging’ a home for a sale means. Discuss in detail the importance of cleanliness, de-cluttering, de-personalizing & creating a warm and inviting environment. Use examples from all those stupid home decorating shows you have watched. Bonus points for discussion of aromatherapy and appropriate background music. Double bonus if you can explain why all that crap lying around in your room cannot just be thrown out.

True or False

3) There is exactly one way in which the new towels are to be displayed in the bathrooms.

4) Touching the (freshly-painted) walls with your greasy, dirty, grubby little hands causes parents’ heads to spin and may lead to maiming.

5) Now is a good time to start a complicated, large, messy craft project – especially if it’s so large that it cannot be easily hidden in a closet.

6) A few minutes before a showing, it’s a good idea to smear liquid soap all over the mirror in one of the bathrooms.

Multiple Choice

7) The penalty for using the new, clean, fluffy and artfully arrayed towels in the bathroom is:
a) Banishment
b) Withdrawal of food
c) Ditch-digging
d) A, B and C
e) It’s not a problem

8) If it’s 5 minutes before the next showing and your mother is hyperventilating and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, you should:
a) give her chocolate
b) sit in a corner reading a book and try to be invisible
c) refrain from talking to her except if loss of life or loss of limb are imminent
d) all of the above

9) It is illegal to purchase, possess or even fantasize about 9 of the following. Circle the 9 items lightly with an HB pencil.
a) food coloring
b) play dough
c) permanent markers
d) grape juice
e) liquid ink for your fountain pen
f) blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries
g) paper hole punchers which you use solely to make confetti with
h) pet snails, insects, or other outdoor flora and fauna collected on your walks
i) glitter
j) paper